


Last Christmas

by bloodiedgod



Category: DreamSMP, Minecraft - Fandom, dnf - Fandom, dreamnotfound - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author is a Technoblade Apologist (Video Blogging RPF), Bulimia, Christmas, Clay | Dream is Bad at Feelings (Video Blogging RPF), Eating Disorders, Emotional Manipulation, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, M/M, Manipulation, Obsession, On Hiatus, POV Alternating, Rainy Days, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleepless nights, Suicide, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:55:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28809987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodiedgod/pseuds/bloodiedgod
Summary: Gogy 🥰Do you still hate me?Read 11:24 PMAfter a huge fight on Christmas night, Dream and George end on bad terms and decide to go their separate ways. A year later, the holidays are right around the corner and the team makes plans to arrange a meeting for Christmas. Countless texts are sent to all parties asking them to confirm that they'll be there. Because of this, Dream spirals into a delirious, depressive state and begins to obsess over George, who is now his enemy. He loathes George. He's left breathless in a deep ocean of self-hatred. George was his only escape, until he wasn't. Until he was the very thing that corrupted him.
Relationships: BadBoyHalo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound & Karl Jacobs
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	1. Razbliuto

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ TO THE END!  
> If this gets popular somehow:
> 
> Please do NOT mention this to any CCs (Content Creators) or the people who this story is about/the people who are in this story! That means: Do NOT donate about it. Do NOT send links to the CCs or say anything about it in the chat. Like many others, I WILL delete this. Do not reupload any parts of this book anywhere except if they are translated versions with credit. Those are my only rules, and I am asking you to respect my simple boundaries. This ship is for the sake of a story, and the people themselves are okay with it, they have said it publically. I accept criticism, NOT hate.
> 
> I may update this and the description as I go! I'm still planning out the story, writing it and organizing everything. Please be patient with updates. I'll try to shorten that time and I'll update as much as I can, every week or two, possibly on Saturdays, never on Mondays or Tuesdays. Keep in mind that I do have a personal life and get busy like everyone else sometimes, and that I have family issues. These may be short chapters most of the time! 10 PM EST (GMT-5) :)
> 
> If you have trouble reading about depressing/suicidal thoughts and/or things, such as, Anorexia and Bulimia, self-harm, self-hatred, suicide, then I would not suggest reading this because I will not give you any warnings about when things are about to happen, that would completely give away what is happening (if it's not obvious already). If you continue to read this and get triggered, PLEASE remember that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR TRIGGERS! I've warned you, and you decided to skip over/not listen to the warning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream and George spend a little while alone before playing with BBH and Sapnap. Dream's mind begins to wander.

_**Sometimes, I wish you were dead. I hate you and I just can't believe it.** _

**‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵**

**December 16th, 9 days until Christmas.**

The year has dragged onward so gradually yet it's gone so suddenly. Forced to interact with the others, as the day progressed it grew quieter, almost still as everyone was hopping off. Streams crashing, hectic days seemed like the norm, as Dream hardly left his house, he was restless. He felt as if he was below average compared to his friend group. The chilly breeze circulated throughout his empty bedroom, kissing his flushed cheeks as he stared thoughtlessly at his computer, fully ignoring everything happening around him. He couldn't hear anything, nor could he focus. The coyotes howling, the wind snarling loudly against the roof, his buddies messing about during the Discord call, nothing. The intense ringing in his eardrums was provoking his sensitive ears, he felt dizzy and weak, he should be eating. He can't remember the last time he had eaten.

_BadBoyHalo left the game._

  
_Didn't I eat a little yesterday?_ He muttered to himself quietly. His stomach whines in hunger solely for him to neglect it. He just couldn't think.

George interrupted his thoughts. _Ugh..._

"It's like you don't want to spend any time with me," George let out a short whine, as that certain silly grin tore at the corners of his lips. "What happened to our friendship, Dream?"  
"What do you mean, what happened? Nothing happened George, I'm just...busy." Dream replied, deciding that it was probably best to keep himself together and sound as quiet as humanly possible. George sighed.  
"You're always so _'busy'_ , it's like—"  
Tommy's profile lit up that bright green hue as a loud screech nearly burst their eardrums. "HOLY SHIT!"

_TommyInnit tried to swim in lava whilst trying to escape Jack Manifold._  
_TommyInnit left the game._

  
  
"Sorry..." The sound of disconnecting from a call ran through their headphones. "Pfft, oh— er, well it's like you're constantly busy, I don't understand that Dream. We're in lockdown, every single one of us, we have zero things to do. Why don't you want to waste these days beside Gogy?" George chuckled as he read the chat.  
"Ew, oh my God, did you really just call yourself Gogy?! Gross." His eyebrows borrowed in almost a disgusted look, what an idiot. "I swear, it's like you're turning into your fans, and it's not like you can't text me, you have my phone number, George."  
"Right, but you block me for the smallest things sometimes. We haven't properly spoken in nearly a year. The fans will remain quite upset about this for a long time, you know. They aren't very...forgetful" He joked, glancing at a few fans spamming _🦀 DREAM IS GONE 🦀_  
  
His hands lingered above his mouse while he was muted, observing how George carefully sinks back into his seat wearing that red hoodie of his, tugging on the strings. Dream had fallen quiet. A whiney voice, small hands, his hair brown spiced like the bark of a spruce tree. Red was definitely his color, or one of them at least. It matched Dream's burning features. How could George be so loving and generous to people he has never met before? George was nothing like Dream.

Clothes were scattered throughout his bedroom, ants infested in a corner where full trash bags had been laid on the floor and leaked. The stench of cat urine wreaked havoc on his sensitive nose, creeping underneath the cracks in the wall. Stepping quietly, his carpet felt like swords, damp and hard. Rubbing his eyes to adjust, a bag of The World's Best Feline Food had been torn open, pieces of kibble rolled across the floor. Patches hissed, popping her head out of the bag she had been eating from. Sighing, he walked his pitiful stride back to his room. _I'll deal with this later._

Sitting down, he fiddled with his hands, eventually tearing off every scab on his arms which were already bruised and dried with blood. Patting the now opened wound with a tissue, blood immediately seeping into the paper. He winced as he held down on the cut. He couldn't even imagine what he looks like right now. "Why am I even here?" He thought aloud, he didn't have the energy to feel bad for himself anymore.

 _Since when did my wrist get bigger?_ He stared numbly, watching how his veins and bones moved. He wrapped two fingers around his wrist, realizing that they didn't touch. _Shit..._ Turning to look at his dresser, a bowl stained with a seasoned red sauce and once white cheese called out to him. He didn't remember that he had downed a whole bowl of meatballs. His guts churned and growled in response. _Where did I even get these from?_ His room was covered in a thick layer of dust, informing him that whatever was there had been there for a week and hadn't been touched.

His head began to ache. Dream's confidence crumbled within George's presence. He eyed his scarred skin, reminiscing on all of the promises that he's made to George throughout his late-night calls. They meant nothing now, not after what he had done. Dream can't trust him like he used to. His hair looked healthy, unlike Dream's, which is greasy and matted due to lack of care. He wonders what George would do if he were with him, disregarding the faint clicking noise that he had heard. He imagined George's smaller hands holding his own as he kissed each scar, telling him how he was proud of him and how much he cares, delicately washing each infected cut while watching out for any discomfort or pain in Dream's evergreen eyes.

Feeling the comforting softness of George's warm hands tangled in his hair, he closed his eyes. He didn't want this. He hated George, he wanted his filthy little hands to stop touching him. Resting Dream's head on the back of his chair, George planted a kiss on his forehead. He dared to smile, taken aback by George's pure actions. "Georgie..."

"Dream?" George spoke in a careful tone, his voice carrying through Dream's ears. "Hello?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if updates are slow! I was planning on making this chapter longer and writing chapter 2 tomorrow but I need to give my dehydrated self some rest. I made this chapter as long as I could due to current family issues! I'm sorry if the formatting is weird, I'm very new to this site. Please understand! :)


	2. Repentance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group plays Among Us with proximity chat. George isn't very happy about the outcome and gets annoyed, while Dream goes into full-blown panic.  
> (Group: Dream, George, BBH, Sapnap, Karl, Quackity, Skeppy, Wilbur, and Tommy)

_**But I can't take my eyes off of you no matter how hard I try.** _

**‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵**

"Hello??" George repeated.

 _You've got to be kidding me._ "Yeah? What's up?" Dream reluctantly responded, sitting up straight and feeling his face growing a deep red shade. The infectious warmth of his enemy slowly dissolved into the chilly air, leaving a piece of loneliness behind.

"Are you okay?"

Dream's eyes widened slightly, not knowing what to say. His mouth trembled, stumbling over his words like tripping over his own feet, trying to find an explanation for speaking out loud.

"Clay, quit pretending that you're stupid..." George's voice sounded stern, somewhat mean. "And stop acting like I'm dumb, too." He could feel his glare through the screen. His heart fluttered whilst dropping into the pit of his stomach, he picked at his fingers anxiously, deciding that he should just apologize.

"I'm sorry George."

"You better be." George rolled his eyes. Dream could hear the furious typing through George's mic, he had sent several messages. "Bad said he'd join us in tonight's stream, as long as we keep it calm."

"That'd be great," Dream cracked his knuckles, stretching out his arms, ignoring the stinging sensation creeping up through his elbow. "I'm actually planning on streaming tonight, it's been a while."

George laughed. "That's great. You're gonna steal all of my views—"

"Really?" Dream questioned, pouting slightly. "I don't think so, the fans really like you."

"Of course they do, but you've been gone for so long, it's definitely a big deal." He admitted.

"Are you saying that I shouldn't do it?" Dream asked, sounding confused.

"No, of course not," George took a short sip from his water bottle. "I'm just saying that you could most likely get more viewers when I'm not streaming."

"Yeah, you're probably right." He agreed. "You'd get a lot more views than I would."

The brunette muttered a small _"Probably..."_

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

Dream nibbled on half-melted pieces of heart-shaped chocolate to soothe his nerves, for some kind of comfort during the stream.

"Dream, do you think I should change my skin?" Bad asked, his character stopped in front of Dream.

"Oh, well I like it." He chewed.

"I think I need a few magical touches."

"You look great, Bad!" Skeppy added.

"Awe, thank you!"

That certain uncanny violin noise came from his headphones, showing Bad's character, along with Dream's. The gigantic red text revealed his role. _Impostor._ He chuckled at the thought.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

"Dream...oh, fuck." The brunette whimpered in response to the sudden sound of the Among Us animation, he had just been killed and betrayed for the fourth time.

" _What??_ That was kinda—" The blonde's voice faded as he trotted away from the scene before George got to hear him finish his sentence, leaving his body behind.

Completing all of his tasks, George had hidden on the outskirts, where no other ghosts could find him. Glancing down at his phone, he muttered a quiet "Sorry chat, I'm doing something important." He snickered. "So," His tongue swiped the inside of his cheek. "How's everyone?" He smirked, glaring at himself in his second monitor. 

"Red wiiiiireeee, blue wireeeeee, but no white wire! What the fuck?! This game is racist towards wires!" Quackity's auto-tuned voice sung in a southern accent, his ghost passing by George.

"LANGUAGE!" Bad faintly shouted from a distance.

Reaching over, the small boxy fan on the floor twirled to life. George fixed his hair, letting the refreshing air cool off his sweat, leaning back with his arms behind his head. The sleeves of his sweater pulled down, smiling. "Yes, yes I know, chat. It's winter but it's always so warm in here. I'm sitting next to my radiator." He continued to read the donations until the round was over.

_Defeat._

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Sapnap slammed his desk in anger. "I TOLD YOU IT WAS HIM, KARL!"

"HEY!" Karl snapped back. "It's not my fault that you're just plain sus-"

"I GAVE YOU EVIDENCE!"

"Bad, why did you leave me??" Skeppy groaned out in the midst of the yelling fight.

Quackity snickered. "Chill the hell out!"

"Language! For the _last_ time, Quackity!"

"Hell isn't a bad word-"

"Language."

"I knew it was Dream!"

"You guys suck so bad."

"Wilby-"

"Can everyone just stop talking at once?" Dream rubbed his temples, his ears sore. "It's so late." He whined, staring at his alarm clock, reading _2:38 AM_.

"Sorry, Dream!"

"Why don't you get some sleep, you muffinhead?"

"That's actually a good idea. Thanks, Bad. Enjoy the rest of your night guys."

"Goodnight!"

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***

Eventually disconnecting from the call and ending the 3-hour stream, Dream laid in bed. He laughed at himself. He felt nauseous and weak, yet nobody was noticing. Nobody bothered to look closely enough. The cold sheets against his skin provided him with some short-lived relief. Salty tears burned his eyes, building up a lump in his throat that grew by the second. Mustering the courage to get up, he threw all of his body weight to the side, swinging his legs over the edge of his mattress. The cuts on his legs throbbed against his pajama pants, knees wanting to give out. With each step, his stomach churned and tightened. The bathroom door squeaked as Dream locked it behind him in a panic. Clutching the white marble counter to keep himself up, he rushed through his drawers. His arms shook as he took the now dull razorblade to his skin, each cut had a different meaning. He felt dizzy from the amount of blood on the counter, it was too much. His vision swayed back and forth, like a palm tree in the middle of a storm. Setting aside the blade, he looked off into his sunken eyes.

He was caught astray by his reflection. A once tan, attractive man had turned into a fragile, sickly pale boy. He looked so exhausted. He pinched at his cheeks. _Too fat._ He hugged his waist, rotating in a slow circle, exposing every imperfection. Whether big or small, he could see everything, like the eyes of a falcon. He was the prey. As far as he could see, random bruises he didn't make surrounded his abdomen. He had always been fairly muscular, now he seemed as if you could break him in half like a small twig. Scratching his head with what little strength he had left, his dead greasy hair fell into his hand from the friction.

He thought about what he would look like once he digested his food. Flappy arms, bloated stomach, a plump face that ruined everything he had worked so hard for. Looking at the toilet, and back at himself, he kneeled in front of it. Staring at his fingers, he hesitated. _I deserve this._ He pushed them down his throat, gag reflex kicking in, releasing everything that he had eaten. _Pathetic._ Collapsing to the side, the overwhelming feeling of sickness came out with that food.

  
"Clay, how could you do this to yourself?" George's disembodied voice echoed throughout the room. The imaginary floodgate in his eyes had given up, releasing a river of bottled up emotions. Rage, hatred, sadness, guilt. His breathing grew faster, examining what he had turned into. He had turned into something he swore he never would.

_**Look what you've done.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a fairly short chapter, tho I haven't slept yet and I can feel writer's block coming on. This chapter was hard to write! I just want to say that unfortunately, a few chapters that I have already written didn't save, including one of the very important parts to my story. It might take a while for me to rewrite them and to remember everything that happened, please be patient! Thank you! I'm going to try my best and update within a week! However, I won't update tomorrow because it's my little bro's birthday. :)


	3. Hiraeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream and Sapnap talk, while George figures out his plan behind their backs. Thinking that he's done nothing wrong, he acts as if nothing is happening.

**‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵**

**December 17th, 8 days until Christmas.**

Dream grumbled, shivering on the blood-stained tiled floor of his bathroom. Covering his face, the sun taunted him once again. He didn't want to get up, his lungs filled with lava as he took a deep breath. He wanted to go back but the place he felt safest tortured him. It wasn't real, that small cottage built for two, where he lived carefree until he got old.

Watching silently, Patches glanced at her owner.

_I can't keep living like this._

"Hey hey, pssst, kitty..." Dream whimpered, holding his hand put so she could get his scent, wanting to make amends with the cat, finally remembering that he hadn't fed her in quite a while because he couldn't muster the energy to.

Patches hissed, backing up into the rotten litter box that had overflowed. Slowly running out of special feline foods including food for himself, all of his money had either gone to George, charity, or to family. He couldn't imagine that he could hear her lungs working against her ribcage, let alone see how skinny she had gotten. He knew he felt guilty, he knew he needed to take care of her better, yet something always seemed to stop him.

Should he just give her away and wish for a better life for her? But what if they put her down?

A million thoughts ran through his head in a millisecond that he didn't have time to properly think about them. Jumping out over him, the kitty scurried away in a rush, leaving a trail of dirty litter behind from her unclean paws. He didn't bother to try and stop her.

He was alone once more, left to wonder around in his own mind, back at that old cottage with dirty smoke rising out of the chimney, he felt safe exploring every little thing and detail that he craved so desperately.

Inside his mind was this _messed up version of reality,_ as he preferred to name it. Desolate, a place capable of healing all of his wounds, no matter how deep or small, there he could be beyond happy. That sick vision inside his head happened to be one of the things he despised about himself. He's continued to be distant due to this, a little too distant: it was beginning to disturb the people closest to him, he wanted to tell everyone how he felt, but the pain in his voice made it hard to speak.

Laughing away the pain whilst his tear-filled eyes told a thousand words yet his mouth spoke nothing but bittersweet lies laced with the sweetest chocolate. His feelings were practically covered in fondant, nobody knew. But George did.

Of course he did.

George had ruined him, crushing his heart like a cupcake, it was almost too easy. It was like he knew everything he had feared the most. George knew Dream loved him, George knew how much Dream wanted to hold him in his arms, and he used that to his advantage. He needed an escape from his life, and George was that escape. He was the refreshing chilled rain in the endless summer storms, he was the feeling of a new warm winter blanket, he was the feeling of sinking into the deep salty blue sea.

All that he could ever want was to let go of himself and be with George, imagining soft _I love you_ s and cuddles in the snowy nights, hanging up the holiday colored lights while decorating an artificial tree. George was the warm fire he needed to survive, to feel safe and loved, the way he looked into the camera made him feel as if he had some kind of fever.

His lips, they were...precious, nearly the perfect size against his own—

_Bzzzzz!_

_Oh no._ Dream's eyes followed the noise of his vibrating phone. He grunted. _This better be important_.

Picking his seemingly heavy self off of the floor, he collapsed back into his bed, nearly hyperventilating from the smallest movement. _Pathetic._ Regaining his breath, he reluctantly peeked at his phone. A text appeared across the peaceful flower-filled garden on his lockscreen, it was from Sapnap.

_U have some serious explaining to do, Clay._

He felt his pulse beating against his skinny neck stop abruptly.

 _What's up?_ He responded in a heartbeat, trying to recollect himself and his memories to figure out what had happened before he passed out. He frantically checked Twitter, scrolling through recent trending hashtags to see if another allegation of some sort was being spread around.

_#DreamIsOverParty • 4 on Trending_

_I can't understand why Dream would say something like that! I can't believe that I supported him while all of this was happening #DreamIsOverParty_

_What?_ Dream's eyes widened, swelling with his crybaby crocodile tears. He shouldn't be this sensitive, it's surely nothing. He carefully scanned each comment for an explanation.

 _Wtf happened??_ A comment asked. _Dream said some horrible things to George because he wouldn't date him. He mocked him. He's jealous of him, basically._ Another responded.

_Jealous? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard._

Typing furiously, he sent another text to Sapnap.

_Why would I be jealous of George? Snapmap what's going on? Who the hell started this?_

He wasn't sure if he had said anything to George, his mind was fuzzy and blank, wondering how he had fucked everything up once again. That's all he ever really seems to do, no matter what he does he always made everything worse. His breathing grew heavy, George had left him on read along with blocking him on every platform. He carefully read the last text he had sent to him, nothing he had said was offensive or mocking him in any way.

If he hadn't sent any texts to George, then why does everyone believe that he would do such a thing?

_Sapnap sent a photo!_

His thoughts flared with curiosity and pain, his fingers traced over the notification. Inhaling deeply, he opened the photo. A deleted tweet made by George from late last night had resurfaced. Glancing at the time, he realized had fallen asleep way before that.

_Explanation to my ":(" tweet. To keep this short, I was on call with Karl early yesterday night. Dream had joined our call, and started heavily flirting with me. He got mad with me after I told him to stop and that I wasn't interested in him._

"Wh-...Georgie..." His voice cracked as he spoke aloud. _Did I actually do that..?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back from my break with a short chapter! I would have made this longer, but I'm having trouble thinking right now, and I have some unfortunate news once again.
> 
> I'm going to be going to therapy because of my depression sometime in the next week, I may finally get diagnosed. I don't know how long I will have to go or if my parents are going to watch me closely due to me saying I've wanted to end my life. I'm also going to be having blood work done for personal reasons, I don't know when I'm going to go but I know I have to. I don't want to go to therapy but I agreed anyway because it might be what's best for me. I don't know if it's going to be a one time thing.
> 
> My family has some things planned for me, including tomorrow, which again I have no clue on what it is, but I have no choice but to go. I'm trying my best to write most of the story now so if I can't write, I can just post a chapter and not have to worry about writing or having enough time to write.
> 
> Please be patient with me and updates! I'm going to be busy. Thank you.


	4. A/N: Taking a break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's note.

Hello! Due to personal reasons, I'm not going to be able to finish this any time soon. I regret posting it so soon when I knew that I didn't know how to write down all of my ideas. I'm trying, but as I said, I have the ideas, I just don't know how to write them. I'm having a rough time right now and am going through a bad period in my life, so this fic will be on hold until further notice. 

Does this mean that I will never finish it? No, of course not! I'll finish it soon enough. I'm going to try and write more so that when I finally update, people have more to read. I'm not sure how to unpublish works without deleting them, and if that will remove all clicks. I don't have the energy to write right now, I'm drained and exhausted, and writing things like this is bound to get me to do something harmful, even though this was my escape in the first place. I'm busy and haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately.

My apologies.


End file.
